Winter Etiquette

Sure, you should always open a door for a lady, say “Thank you” and “Please” and eat with your napkin in your lap, but there are some season specific rules of manners that should be followed.

Clean off that Car
Nobody appreciates following a mobile blizzard. Clean the snow off your car before leaving the driveway, please. The clown who only cleans a pancake size hole in the ice on his windshield is not only a safety threat but a boob too, and all that snow on your roof is blowing at me at 50 mph.

A little Space Here?
Slow down Bucky. Everyone knows it takes a lot longer to stop a Three-thousand pound vehicle on ice, yet few account for it. With the advent of SUVs with ABS, VSC and whole bunch more acronyms, people think they are invincible. Tell you what, ice hasn’t changed in thousands of years and is still slick as, well, ice.

Sometimes a Crook is Good
We were taught to always cover our mouth when sneezing. Problem is we were taught to sneeze into our hands. Well, as it turns out, our hands transmit more germs than just letting a big-honking sneeze rip in the open. Try sneezing into the crook of your elbow. While this may sometimes leave an ugly stain on your sleeve, at least your hands aren’t a germ-laden vessel of viruses.

Call it a Day
You have sick time, use it. Sure, you’re a tough guy and can work through it, but what about your fellow employees? Nobody appreciates your fortitude; on the contrary, they will resent your resolve when they too come down sick. They don’t want to hear your honking, sneezing, wheezing self so stay at home and be miserable alone.

Shovel It Off
I’ve always said I don’t want a snow-blower; I just want a neighbor with one. If you are lucky enough to have such a neighbor so equipped, find out what he drinks and buy him a bottle. I did that last year and never shoveled my driveway or sidewalks. I’m getting ready to go to the liquor store today, as the snow is starting to fly. If you don’t have such a neighbor, try shoveling the sidewalk next door when you are stuck cleaning off your property. Odds are next time he’ll return the favor and hopefully, it will be the biggest storm of the year.

It’s Good for the Grass
If you do have that coveted snow-blower, don’t just fling the snow in the street. For one, if everybody does that we’ll be needing the snowplows to come back, and you know that isn’t going to happen. In my neighborhood, we’re lucky if they make one pass down the street, so please, don’t pile the snow back up in the street; blow in on the yard. Besides, the grass will get much better use out of the moisture than our overloaded storm sewers will and we’ll have greener grass than those downstream yokels will next year.

It Works for the Japanese
When you come into my house during a snowstorm, take those boots off please. I don’t care how many shoestrings you have to undo, or how stylish you look, you’re the one who bought those goofy looking Uggs; take em off at the door will you?

Please, Don’t Ask
For the last time time, yes it is cold enough for me.

by Michael Ryan