Put the clippers away, ladies. It’s “Movember,” and whether we can make it look good or not, we’re growing a mustache. “Movember” is a health initiative that aims to raise awareness for men’s health issues such as prostate cancer. Much to the chagrin of their wives, partners, children, or significant others, men all over the United States have put away their razors. Since my significant other threatened to shave half of mine off in my sleep if I dared to try growing and maintaining a mustache (some ladies get serious about this no mustache business), here’s my way of helping out – a list of the Top 10 Manliest Mustaches of All Time. Giving extra points for outdoorsiness, and starting at #10…
10. Wade Boggs
Hall of Fame third basemen Wade Boggs was one of, if not the most prolific hitter of the 1980s. Playing 17 years in the MLB primarily for the Boston Red Sox with stints in New York and Tampa Bay, Boggs is known as one of the most superstitious players in sports history (which is why it’s puzzling that he later shaved that beautiful thing). He was known to eat chicken before every game, walk the same path to and from the field and the dugout (it wore a path into the grass at Fenway), and wake up at the exact same time every day.
9. Kenny Rogers
“The Gambler” is a country music legend. His iconic facial hair is only rivaled by his iconic voice. His prolific amount of work is an American institution, and he is one of the highest selling artists of all-time. He had a line of sprint cars named after him, and he owned a chicken and ribs joint. Manly enough for #9.
8. Burt Reynolds
Go ahead. Google Image “manly mustache.” This guy and the #7 selection take up almost every picture in the queue. Burt Reynolds’ mustache was the biggest movie star of the 1970s, and anybody ballsy enough to pose nude for Cosmopolitan magazine with a ‘stache and full-on chest-rug action belongs on this list. Oh, and he was in “Smokey and the Bandit,” appeared on “The American Sportsman” (a popular 70s outdoors program), and played a major part in “Boogie Nights.” Case closed.
7. Tom Selleck
The guy was Magnum P.I. for cryin’ out loud. It would be a safe bet that if you asked 100 middle-aged women which movie star has the best mustache, 100 of them would immediately pick Selleck. Few men can pull off such a full, perfectly groomed and coifed lip sweater. He was offered the role of Indiana Jones, as well, but had to turn it down because he had already signed on to do the aforementioned Hawaii-based cop drama. Picture that. Indy…with a ‘stache.
6. Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is a natural inclusion on any “manliest” list, because if he’s not included, he will track you down and roundhouse kick you. Here’s hoping #6 is good enough for you, Mr. Norris, sir.
5. Charles Bronson
Among others, he was in “The Magnificent Seven,” which scores him major points. If you’ve ever seen a movie starring Charles Bronson that doesn’t feature his character kicking someone’s ass, well…you probably weren’t watching a movie starring Charles Bronson. Most importantly, this fine gentleman served our country in World War II as an aerial gunner, and received a Purple Heart for wounds received during his service.
4. Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman)
The only fictional character on this list, Swanson (played by the hilarious Nick Offerman) is the definition of masculinity. His interests include whiskey, hunting, meat, and woodworking. That’s it. That’s all he’s interested in.
3. The entire cast of the movie “Tombstone”
Seriously, look at all of the mustachioed glory in this film. Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer (with a strong showing for “most badass handlebar ‘stache in the history of film), Sam Elliot, and Bill Paxton all had fantastic facial accoutrements, not to mention the Cowboys gang. It is well-established man-law that any time “Tombstone” is on television, it is your obligation to watch it. It’s probably the manliest ensemble of mustaches in film history.
2. Sam Elliot
Sam Elliot gets on this list twice, because his manly resume is just A+. Along with “Tombstone,” he also stars in “Roadhouse,” (which, if you’re wondering, is also covered under the above mentioned man-law), the Big Lebowski, is a spokesman for Coors Original, and the kicker…he’s the voice of Smokey Bear. The man is the living embodiment of Smokey Bear. Good enough for #2.
1. Theodore Roosevelt
President Roosevelt did more for our country’s outdoorsmen than probably any other figure in history. He was the youngest President of the United States ever, which is a testament to his achievements as a gritty, hard-nosed alpha male. He grew up as a sickly child, so he took to working out as a way to get and stay healthy. He wrote books on hunting, frontier history, and the outdoors. He gave up a prominent career commanding the Navy to form a band of volunteer “Rough Riders,” who fought in Cuba during the Spanish-American war. President Roosevelt was definitely a man’s man.