Lance Won’t Dance

You’d think that news of one of America’s most beloved, revered, and respected athletes getting stripped of all his accomplishments would have more staying power. Now, less than a week after the headlines broke, very few people seem to care anymore and I am one of them. I’m not a cycling fan or an avid follower of the drug-testing world, but let’s be honest, few people are. Cycling, while being an incredibly competitive and intense sport, has all the spectator appeal of a parade dedicated to dairy farmers,  making it all the more impressive that Lance is as popular as he is. But then again, how couldn’t he be? The man had cancer–in his balls no less–and did to the world’s best cyclists what I can only do to a Lean Pocket after a night of heavy drinking.
For some, like the USADA, the stories were too good to be true. Perhaps the radiation therapy was turning him into a a sort of Teenage Mutant Cycling God. Perhaps Lance was confusing Hulk inducing steroids for his nausea medication. Perhaps he was cheating. All these accusations came up and tests were done, over and over again. Maybe they were bits of truth to them, maybe there weren’t. No one really knows. In the end, he passed all of them and still continued riding around France like a deranged Pacman on an infinite cherry boost, gobbling up the ghosts of cyclists that could have been.

Now, the USADA is after him again and Lance is refusing to fight back. For the man whose name has become synonymous with perseverance, this is fairly shocking, until you realize what total nobs these people are. The USADA appears as nothing more than a bully, refusing to let any amount of good overshadow their very small duty. It’s cowardly. If they want to get the reputation of being the most stringent regulatory institution, then they should OWN that image. Test Lance for cancer, make sure THAT wasn’t a hoax. Do you know how advantageous that level of inspiration gives an athlete? He’s only got one testicle right? That’s clearly not fair. All the other riders have balls. Retroactively handicap his time based on the weight of the average human gonad. Maybe that will revoke a few titles.

The point is, unless you get evidence of Armstrong stealing money from cancer survivors and using the cash to fund coked out trips to Cabo, you can’t touch him. He’s pure gold. Look at what his foundation has done, look at what he’s given to the world of cycling, look at how he has bettered the world as an individual more than most corporations with far more money and far more resources have managed to do. Who cares if he put a little pick-me-up in his coffee? Who cares if he traded his human blood for that of a cheetah? No one does. If he’s a villain, then at the very least, he is Robin Hood: beating the healthy to give to the sick. And so the USADA will whine and scream. Maybe they can take his titles, but no one will think less of Lance. If anything, it will make him stronger…and stronger…and STRONGER…until his rides his bike TO MARS AND BACK…IN RECORD TIME. Then, the USADA can test him again.

By Patrick Hutchison