Canyoneering is not for the faint of heart. Picture this: You drive out to the middle of the Utah Desert (or some other general place where canyons exist), there’s not a hospital for miles, no cellphone coverage, and you descend into a cavernous blackhole of death. Ok, maybe it’s not quite that dramatic but it is that cool. Not to mention, sexy.
Say you’re in a bar, hittin’ on this outdoorsy hottie- She’s unimpressed with you (obviously, since you’re a total jackass loser face) UNTIL you pull out your Indiana Jones Sexy canyoneering pictures. Hottie’s goin’ home with Indy tonight!
(Oh yeah, a word for the gals: You’re probably already pretty sexy and the Indiana Jones reference might not work for you, so think Lara Croft. This girl did and da mountain men be impressed. Obvi.)
And here’s why:
Swinging From Ropes 200 feet Above a Bottomless Abyss of Terror:
So, to get into the canyon one must go downward. This is called rappelling and it’s scary as shit. Especially, when it’s your first time and you’re rapping 200 feet into the fiery chasm from whence a lot of scary shit came (Lord of the Rings reference, anyone?)
Two Words: Deadman Anchors
When there is no large, fixed, boulder or bolt to attach the ropes to for rappelling purposes canyoneer folk fashion what is called a “deadman anchor”. Or a non-fixed anchor-of-death basically made out of pebbles and twigs which could give at any moment. I’d like to see Han Solo swing off that shit. Wait, wrong movie.
Slick Rock aka Death by Hiking
What goes down must go back up (or something like that). To get out of the canyons you have to hike. Enter Slick Rock. This rock is aptly named cause it’s slicker than greased owl shit and you basically have to run up it at breakneck speeds or risk, well, falling to your death (Ok, maybe just getting banged up. Either way, it sucks).
Carnivorous Belay Devices and Helmets (Or not):
When you’re “rapping” ( rappelling, amateur…pay attention) you have to use a belay device so that the rope can attach to your harness and do magical things with friction and gravity to lower you down to the canyon floor. Word to the wise: If your hand gets too close to the device, it turns into a carnivorous beast and will devour your flesh. Seeing your skin threaded through this device whilst hanging 200 ft in the air, your only option to rip it out and keep going, is a super sexy story to tell a lady ( Be sure to take lots of pictures for the bar-room hotties). But it also makes you an amateur dumbass. Avoid it. In place of your trusty Indiana Jones hat, a helmet should be worn for moments when you take a precarious fall off a deadman anchor and bounce like a ping-pong ball down the canyon wall ( Who does that?…This girl). Note: Helmets are not sexy but being alive, well, is.